2025/010/06
TW: Use of the R slur (against myself, internally)
Well.
It's finally happened.
My parents found a house in the city going for about around $110k. We only had a few hours to decide if we wanted it or not. My mom had a lot of problems with it, like how trashed it was from the previous owners, but I insisted that all I cared about was finally being able to move out. I've been living in our area for about four years now, so at this point, I really couldn't care if this house wasn't a luxurious penthouse.
She bought the house, and (maybe) within the next month or so, I'll be living within it.
I honestly thought I'd be a lot more excited.
I mean, I AM, but whenever I've imagined being told I'd finally be getting a house of my own, I'd picture myself overjoyed, crying with tears of euphoria and thanking god. But instead, all I did was smile and nod my head when I told the news. I really hope that doesn't make me ungrateful....
Perhaps it doesn't help that I know my parents might finacially struggle big time with this house. They didn't have enough saved up to pay for the entire down payment, so they'll have to pay for a morgage, ON TOP of my bills until I'm stable enough to pay for everything enough myself or get a roommate (whichever comes first). They're so lucky that they live in a house owned by my grandma, so they don't have to pay for their own rent as well.
Regardless, I broke down crying when mom told me how hard they might be impacted, because I was so terrified of them having to suffer on my behalf. I know there's nothing I can do, and not really else we could've done in this current situation to help me get independence and a job, but I was heartbroken it has to be this way. A large part of me aches that this situation has to be so complicated, and that I couldn't have just walked out, gotten a job and worked my way up to being finacially stable enough to move out like a normal person.
I don't know why nothing in my life is ever straightforward.
It helped a bit when my dad told me it probably won't be as bad as I'm imagining. My mom is incredibly negative and catastrophizes a lot, so it brought me some relief to hear that it'll likely be okay, even if they do struggle a bit.
I'm still anxious as hell about getting a job though. I'd rather have a job than have no job, of course. More than anything else in my life (outside of being a good person at the very least), I want to prove that I can be a fully-functional, competent adult, and I've been doing everything I can to insist that I should be given a chance to do "difficult" jobs other people have to put up with every damn day.
But I do recognize that I've still never had a job, not even as a teenager. There's always the case, lingering in the back of my mind, that I'll mess up my first job terribly or find it too stressful. I'm praying to god that it doesn't happen, just so I can have even a slither of confidence in myself, but I really don't know. I don't want the things I despise about myself to be proven true right in front of my face...
And the worst part is that I've already had that happen this week.
About a week or two ago, my sister (R) told me that she and her friend were driving out for three hours to go see Perfect Blue in 4k. If you've interacted me in any way or observed me through my other social medias, you know that I LOVE Perfect Blue. Absolutely obsessed with it, to the point that I was more than willing to wait three hours and a half to see it on the big screen. For the rest of those days, it was all I could think about.
The catch was that I had to already be in town before they'd leave, since it'd be easier on R's friend and it'd take her much less time to drive. So, I did what I always do when I have to do something in town and stayed at my older sister B's place for several days.
The visit went fine as it usually does. On the second day over, she took me to the grand opening of this burger place and we both got a free poutine, and then later we had a nice day at the park. It was a pleasant day all around....until we tried to have dinner together.
While eating the rest of my poutine at her table, I tried talking to her about how my welfare would factor into my stability, and she told me that if you make more than $200 a month, our province's program would decrease your monthly allowance. This shocked me a bit, as I either didn't already know or forgot, and then B said that this is exactly why my parents have been insisting that I need to get on disability.
I've taked about my struggles to get on disability before, but talking about the whole process with my new counselor has shifted my views on it a bit. She's been telling me that I don't seem that disabled, and that I probably could work perfectly fine if I put my mind to it. Some people would probably see that as a greatly insensetive thing to say to a disabled person, but....I think she's right. Or at least, I'd like to believe she is. And she's given me the space to acknowledge why it hurts me so when it feels like my mom is scanning for any small mistakes I make to prove that I AM that level of disabled. There's something so freeing about being looked at by someone and being told "You can do it! You seem capable!".
I'm not used to it.
I wish it would happen more.
I wasn't outright trying to say that B was wrong or that I shouldn't keep trying to get on disability, but I made an attempt to explain what my counselor thinks, her observations on the whole ordeal has impacted my self-esteem, and why all of this has been so confusing for me. In response, she huffed, and like my mom she said I need to be more "honest" about my disability.
I asked her what she meant, and went off listing all the ways that I apparently "lack common sense that most people have".
"You're anti-social"
"You're not thoughtful"
"You don't think about things before you say them"
"You don't care about what you say to other people"
"You lack general awareness"
"You make mistakes that other people just don't make"
"We all know you're smart, yeah, but.....not smart in the ways that'll help you"
Honest to god, I could feel the small amounts of self-respect I've been steadily working on crumbling in real time.
I know B is not always the best judge of character, and it would be unwise to think that she truly knows everything about me, but...
I could feel my own self-disgust peering over my shoulder and mocking me.
"You're unlovable. You're incompetent. You're unappealing and unlovable. You're a fucking idiot. Dumbass. Retard. Dumbshit."
So naturally, I started crying mid-argument. I tried affirming everything my counselors have been trying to tell me, that everyone makes little mistakes and dumb decisions and that they shouldn't have to define me forever, but of course I got scoffed at again.
"They should try actually living with you."
As my crying got more intense, B decied to leave me alone in her living room for a while. I lied there on her couch for about twenty minutes, sobbing and feeling my head pound with a migraine. My entire body ached, and I could tell I was about to become nauseous soon. I often get nauseous from crying too much, or from intense emotions and shame.
I debated with myself in my head for a while if I should just say fuck it, text dad and ask to go home. I really, REALLY wanted to see that movie, but idk if I could take having to tolerate being in that tiny appartment and push my feelings down for the next three days. Before I could decide, dad texted me, asking me about what happened because B told him I was upset. I explained everything and by the end of my huge wall of text, I just gave up. I told him him I wanted to go home.
I then went to B and told her that he was coming to get me, and suddenly she was the one in a fit of tears. She accused me of running away from her, and that me and R secretly hate her. More than anything, in her words, she wants to be a good big sister us, and thought I desperately need someone to be honest with me.
Regardless of whether her honesty reflected reality, I really don't think honesty is what I need right now. Honesty is important, yes, but I think everyone in my life is already brutually honest about what they think all the time, even if it hurts. There's absolutely no shortage of that.
And in response, I tried to explain is what I need is positivity. I need people who are optimistic, who'll help me see that everything isn't the end of the world or a painful, stressful ordeal. People who will tell me "you can do it" or "I believe in you". I need it so much that it aches.
To her credit, she clarified that when she said I wasn't ready to live on my own (in the middle of the argument), she meant that I wasn't ready to live without occasional help from my family. Something I've never been against, so I don't know where she ever got that from. But at the same time, it feels like it's not what she meant. Like, she DID mean that I couldn't live on my own at all. In the moment, she certainly did, considering everything she was saying about me.
Regardless, dad and R came for me, and they drove me home. I spent the entire car ride, sobbing and talking about what happened, and they were able to comfort me somewhat. I threw up on the way home and my head felt like someone was jabbing my skull with a knife, but it was nice to have many of my feelings validated after all that. That almost never happens...
Soon as I got home, mom ran me a bath and I dropped into it like a rock. I couldn't stay in it long before the heat started overwhelming me, but it and twelve hour sleep I got to have afterwards helped a bit.
I spent the next two days just trying to take care of myself and pick up the pieces. I haven't gotten to talk about what happened with my counselor yet, but I tried my best to be easy on myself and do things I enjoy. Most importantly, I tried to remember that I was going to have a good time at the end of the week, and I was absolutely going to be happy soon. And then the day finally came...
...And the roads up ahead were blocked.
We were two hours into our car ride, laughing, listening to music and having an excellent time, until I was hit with a warning on my phone that an ex-military man was seen around a nearby wooded area carrying around a gun.
The warning instantly gave me dread, and I spoke up.
"Should we be worried about this?"
I was told that we weren't anyway near the forest area, so I had nothing to worry about and I settled down.
But then when we got to a Wendy's, we were told by a woman that the highway was completely closed off to keep people from coming in.
I could already tell there was no chance on seeing the movie now.
It wasn't entirely bad though, I guess. I could feel my soul draining out of my body when I realized we did all this for nothing, but we got to dick around in a nearby Walmart for a while. That probably doesn't sound impressive, but there isn't even a Walmart within an hour of driving distance where we live. We fucked around, and I got some snacks and physical media to take home with me. I'm still very much sad about it....but at least I didn't tolerate another two days of being at B's place for absolutely nothing.