2024/03/09
TW: suicide
Nothing much happened this month. Not in my personal life, at least.
However, I had a massive freak out over AI that resurfaced a lot of suicidal ideation in my mind.
That goddamn Sora update video gave me so much terror and anxiety, as it surely did with most people. I remember looking at my Twitter timeline and being with a massive flood of panicking and downer predictions about the future. It was all so overwhelming that I had to step away and take a break for an entire week. I've taken days off from checking Twitter before, but I've never had to stay away for a whole week until now.
And it's not for the reason you'd think.
The main concern everyone had when those goddamn test videos came out was that people would be able to fake camera footage or make propaganda videos. And while that's very true and action should be taken against that immediately...
What frightened me the most was how it would impact film and animation.
That might seem like a selfish thing to prioritize (and it probably is), but art and storytelling are my entire life. Both animation and cinema itself are my special interests and in many ways, I don't think I'd make it this far as a person without them. When people started making predictions about a future where movies are pumped out entirely by AI, it hit a strong pressure point for my paranoia. It shook me so much that I started obsessively having thoughts of human-made art ceasing to exist altogether and future generations possibly being okay with it. The accusations people made that average audiences wouldn't care or even notice really didn't help my mental state either.
I was so filled with dread and terror for the future that I genuinely debated on whether or not I should kill myself.
MI am well aware of how much of an overreaction that sounds, or that it seems too foolish to kill yourself over something that hasn't happened yet, but that's honestly how I felt. My dysfunctional line of thinking was that it was a future that I wouldn't be able to handle and that I didn't want to be alive to see it happen.
Maybe I didn't want to kill myself. Maybe I just felt....helpless.
I always feel helpless, and completely out of control of the future, my life, and everything around me. I can't help but feel terrified that I'm heading straight into a life with no joy or belonging. I'm scared capitalism is gonna keep taking everything away from us until there's nothing left, or that I'm gonna live an isolated existence surrounded by people I can't relate to or don't like.
And I think being teased with the death of my one consistent source of solace pushed that helplessness over the edge.
If you're fearing for my safety right now, don't worry. I've mostly gotten over it and I haven't made any dangerous attempts to end or hurt myself. I'm okay now, I promise.
If there's anything good that came from this, it's that my mom noticed how distressed I was and offered to give me some advice on how to get things done. I've always had a hard time doing what I "feel" like and acting out of impulse, so I've had to rely entirely on a daily routine. I actually did what I "feel" like, I'd be lying in bed all day because that's all my brain feels like doing. So, I often have to force myself to indulge in my hobbies, like drawing or coding this site. As you'd expect, I'm mentally tired a lot of the time because of this.
So my mom suggested that I do things bit by bit. Instead of drawing an entire piece of art in one day, I could draw an eye and then put it down. And then the next day, I'd draw another eye, and so on and so forth. It's a good idea and I'm attempting to stick to it currently, even if I'm still struggling with time management.
I know my tirade about her in my last entry made it seem we don't have a good relationship (and it's definitely a strained one), but there are times like this when she gets me. She struggles to be helpful sometimes, but I can tell she really does care about me. It doesn't necessarily undo some of the harm she's left on me mentally, but she's not an uncaring mother, and I don't want to make people think that she is.
That's all I can really say for now. I really hope March will be better for me. I'm praying for it.