2025/01/04
TW: doomerism, suicide
Well, it's another new year.
I'm trying really, really hard to be optimistic about 2025, but I don't know how anyone could. I don't want to get too much into my usual doomerism, but the next few months seem so terrifying to me.
As you may expect, the US election really did a number on me. I know how that ridiculous that might sound, considering I'm Canadian and all, but whatever shit America does tends to have ripple effects across the whole world. I'm so fucking terrified that whatever conservative do there will inspire similar actions over here and anywhere else.
The next few days after were so fucking bad. I felt like I was having day to day panic attacks and every social media site looked like one big bed of knives to me. For the first time in my life, I've had to mute words on Tumblr and Youtube (using a chrome extension I found) just for the sake of my own sanity.
Every day my brain was screaming at me "this is it. Humanity is fucking doomed. We can't save ourselves and we're going to drag ourselves deeper into hell. I wish I wasn't alive to see this." It was fucking horrible.
And yet.....life progressed anyway.
This should be a no brainer, but it truly did amaze me how time continued to march on. For months, it felt like the upcoming election was going to be the end of things (depending on how it turned out). I couldn't really concieve an afterward, mainly because I thought either all hell would just break loose or I'd possibly kill myself (I had no method planned at all, but the ideation was definitely there). But despite what had happened, I was still able to talk to my friends and hang out with my sister. I've been making more an effort to spend time with my grandma and my dad too, and I think that has actually been helping me a lot.
In a way, I'm glad the world didn't blow up after that horrible night. I've still been able to find joy in certain things and the people I love, and I want cherish them more than ever. It's been really hard, but I'm still willing to try.
Other than that, I had actually had a really good Christmas this year! I liked spending time with my family and the general vibe for the first few night was peaceful.
....It was ruined a bit when my older sister's alcoholism started rearing its ugly head, but I probably shouldn't dive too deeply into that.
My gifts were all really nice! Among them were a Twin Peaks bag, an art puzzle, a hot chocolate set, a rolling cart to put all my tea stuff, and a big weighted black cat plush for my anxiety. I'm really grateful for each of them.
And then on New Years Eve, me and my dad spent time in the garage by letting me show him Silent Hill 2. We played it on an emulator while projected it onto a tarp and lemmie tell you, it added to the atmosphere so much. The shadows were so dark we had to turn the brightness up and the soundtrack was so loud that it shook all the furniture. Dad really seemed to dig it and said he was willing to play more of it at a later date, so I'm really excited for that!