2024/01/01
Seems like a new year has started....
Damn.
If I were to describe 2023 in one word, it would be uneventful. I've made some progress with my mental help thanks to my counselor, but I still don't have a job and I haven't made any good friends. For context, I live in a remote town up in northern Ontario, where there's barely any businesses or public spaces. The population is mainly made up of redneck old people trying to flee from society and I haven't met a single person my age since my family came here. We moved here mid 2021 due to covid fucking up housing rents basically everywhere and our only option was to take one of my grandmother's houses. She doesn't charge us rent, so my parents are pretty content with staying here.
I don't want to sound whiny or ungrateful, considering how peaceful and safe this little town is, but I hate this place. I really do. My early twenties so far has amounted to nothing because of it and everyday has been meshing together like a digusting grey paste. I'm lonely, bored, and ungodly depressed, and the worst part is that until I get a job, I have to depend on welfare housing to finally remember I exist and give me an apartment. I hate that this is my life. I hate that I don't know how to drive. I hate how this happened almost immediately after high school. I hate that no one can help me.
I think that's enough wangsting for now though. And not EVERYTHING is so bad.
Like I actually got to do something fun for New Year's Eve last night. My older sister B (I am a middle child with two sisters. To avoid confusion, I'll refer to them as R (younger) and B (older)) managed to get out this year and now has an apartment of her own out in the city and my family has made an agreement with her to let me stay over there if there's something I want to do there. I've only been there once so far but this time, she let R hang out with her friends there for New Year's. It's probably pathetic for me to be hanging out with high schoolers at my age (and I felt kinda awkward being there), but I had a good time! We laughed and goofed off and watched movies all the way til 6 AM. I don't want to pester R into letting me hang out with her friend group more often, but I'm glad I got to experience this.
(I just hope her friends like me and don't think I'm weird)
I'm still staying over with B for the rest of the week btw. There's a multicultural group in town and another one funded by the association my counselor works for, so I'm planning on visiting them. It sucks dick that I'll probably only be able to go to them once a month, but I guess I should count my blessings. My biggest hope above all else is to meet someone who'll like me enough that we can just text and hang out whenever I want. I'm deeply afraid that I'll hate everyone there or I'll just fade into the background and nobody will notice me. I'm still struggling with how deeply unappealing and off I think I am, but I'm willing to take the risk. At all costs, I need to know that people can love me.
I'm sorry that my first entry is so brief. I wasn't counting on making my diary page earlier this month, actually. I wanted to start working on my collection page, but the thought of having to put all those blinkies and stamps in made me procrasinate it constantly, so....yeah. I'm glad I got to start off 2024 with this though. I'm gonna try to keep a record of my life in bulletpoints, so I'll always have something to write about. I'll see you all in the future~