2024/02/09
The group meetings didn't go well.
I didn't even go to one of them.
Basically, my older sister introduced me to this blind dude with autism (because I'm also autistic.....and she thinks I'll like other autistic people based on that alone). At first I liked him and he seemed really sweet to me, but then it became increasingly obviously that he had a crush on me. I denied it for a really long time and just wanted to think that he wanted to think that he needed to hold my hand for so long because of his blindness, but our visit to the multicultural group made it way too ubundant. We kept wanting me to sit beside him at all times, he went around introducing me to everybody, and he was rubbing and stroking my hand constantly. What's worse is that everybody in the club was in their mid-thirties, so I wasn't able to make friends like I wanted to. I had such a bad time that I skipped out on going to the mental health club completely because he was going to be there too.
I honestly feel disgusted with myself for feeling so uncomfortable around him. I feel like an ableist piece of shit who's looking for ways to demonize him and push him away, but everyone I've talked to said that I'm just looking out for myself and my own needs.
I hate looking out for myself. I hate focusing on my own needs.
Then again, he apparently has a record of saying weird things to girls (....especially ones that are younger than him). One time he told a girl from my sister's school that he wished that he was older, and never asks for all the handholding and face touching from any of the males in his life.
So, there's that.
A little while afterwards though, I got to meet my psychatrist with my counselor. I had to talk to her through video call on a giant white board, but it was a pretty basic interview. I can't wait to speak to her again.
Sadly, meeting her led to a fight with my mom that week. I don't know why, but my mom always asks about my conversations with health care professionalists. When she asked me about my psychatrist, I told her that she thinks I might have persistent depressive disorder. Immediately. she rolled her eyes because she never heard of it and joked about how they keep "making up mental illnesses" to sell people more medication.
My mom has a bad history with medication. She was perscribed for pills multiple times and much of it ended in severe biological and psycological harm, so she has a hard time trusting doctors (especially ones that reccomend meds). Her trauma and emotional scarrs are valid, and I won't argue that there are doctors who give out meds carelessly without considering the side effects, but I hate how she's generalized psychologists and doctors together and flips out on me for even considering medication.
My counselor's been trying to teach me how to deflate arguments with her, so I simply walked away and said "yeah, mom." For years, I've had a bad habbit of spiriling into really intense fights with my mom, usually over politics and social issues. It's mainly because I feel so desperate to be understood and prove my points to others, so I don't know when to stop. Luckily, my counselor's been telling me that there's no shame in walking away or simply saying "I don't feel comfortable talking about this".
Despite that, my mom started demanding me to look up what persistant depression meant. I told her that I didn't want to talk about this anymore, and that's what got her to really flip out. She yelled at me, saying I was being a twat and being disrespectful. I did end up looking it up, but she was still pissed for the rest of the afternoon over it.
I felt so upset and confused. I said all the things my counselor wanted me too, and she still got mad and yelled at me. I kept a straight face the whole time, but I ended up crying for a bit as soon as I was alone.
Later that day, she came to my room and apologized. She said she was in a bad mood because she just woke up and then later looked up persistant to find out that it had been established as a thing since 2001. I'm glad she said sorry (which she rarely ever does), but then she said that I should start saying "can we talk about this later" instead of "I don't want to talk about this" whenever we're having a disagreement.
But I don't want to take about politics later. I don't want to talk about politcs with her ever.
I'm so fucking sick of arguing about vaccines until one of us is in tears. I don't want to listen to her bitch about her being censored because she can't say the R word. I don't want hear her suck Elon Musk's dick because he dares to "own the left" or whatever the fuck. I just want her to leave me alone.
But what I hate most of all is that in response, she's telling me I'm pushing her away. She's says I'm refusing to communicate with her or have a real relationship with her because I don't want to talk about these things and it's make me so sick. I feel so fucking guilty and bad inside, like I'm a coward who's too scared of differing opinions or that I'm hurting people to keep them away. My counselor and friends tell me that I'm just setting boundaries and that I have the right to do so, but I don't know....
I wish I knew what I was doing.
On the bright side, I guess, I made two pretty big purchases for myself: a drawing tablet and a VR headset. I still think I'm frustratingly trash at drawing, but I'm hoping I can improve with this. It's a bit less frustrating than pencil art. I'm still getting caught in an endless loop of poorly drawing lines and erasing them over and over again though.
With the VR headset, I'm hoping to find some people who'll like me, or even just to ease my isolation a bit. I already have an online friend that uses VRChat pretty often, so I'm excited to finally to be with them. I've always dreamed of being able to hang out and talk to my online mutuals in a real space, but this will have to do.
I'm hoping that I don't get too sucked into it and end up replacing it for reality, but this is the best chance I have to be with people I actually love and enjoy for now. It's sad that it's resorted to this, but y'know what?
It's something.