2024/04/02
Again, nothing much really happened this month. I'm sorry if that's something I have to state a lot on this site. It makes me wonder if starting a diary here was even worth it.
But something really good happened! One particular thing! A few weeks ago, my younger sister invited a few of her friends from high school over and because they had to sleep in my room, I got to hang out with them. It must seem odd for me to be excited to hang out with teenagers, but....I really am that lonely.
Anyway, I had a really good time with. Surprisingly, they all seemed to enjoy me, even though I couldn't imagine why. I didn't really feel "apart" of the group and I spent the majority sitting by and just listening to what they were saying, and yet they really liked me. There was even a moment where I told my sister's girlfriend that her makeup looked pretty and she exclaimed "Oh Morgan, that means so much coming from you!"
I don't know why though. I have no idea why anyone would hold my opinion in such high regard, especially when they don't know me that well. My counselor told me that it's because anything I saw probably comes off as really genuine. I hope she's right.
One girl I seemed to get along with pretty well was this metalhead chick who was really into horror movies and astrology. I ended up having a lot in common with her, as she ended up liking a lot of the same anime and video games as I do (Evangelion, Lain, Silent Hill, etc). I just hope she enjoyed hanging out with me as much as I did hanging out with her.
At the same time though, I can't help but feel slightly ashamed for taking advantage of my sister's friends. I don't ask or demand to hang out with them whenever they're over, but sometimes I wonder if my sister's inviting me out of pity. Like she knows that I'm lonely and lets me intrude on being with her personal group just to be nice. The thought of that makes me feel guilty, and I hope I'm not piggybacking off of her social life.
The only other notable thing that happened this month was that my boyfriend texted me for the first time in over a year. On the same day my sister's friends came over no less.
He apologized to me for getting my hopes up that we could ever be together and for abandoning me out of nowhere. I forgave him, since I know his absence was largely caused by mental health issues, and told him that I wouldn't mind still being friends (albeit with more boundaries than we used to have), but...
Then he told me that he's come across a girl irl who he's started to become interested in.
I told him I was okay with it and that despite how hard that was for me to hear, I wished him luck with her..
....But inside I was crying. I was crying a lot.
I miss the feeling of him holding me. I want him to kiss my forehead one last time.